A rite of passage marks a person's move from one state to another. Throughout our lives we go through a number of different transitions as we embark upon new phases of our lives. It can often be defined by a big event, such as milestone birthday, marriage, or birth.
According to Arnold van Gennep, an anthropologist of the 20th Century, there are three phases to a rite of passage:
DETACHMENT
A motion of cutting away from the former self.
TRANSITION
The period between two states where one has left the former self but not yet found the next.
REINCORPORATION
The rite is completed. One has accepted and assumed their new identity, and re-enters society in their new form.
Detachment often involves some sort of change in appearance, be it a haircut or a whole new wardrobe. What we wear can have a huge impact on how we feel, often assisting these difficult transitions in our lives. It can be a painful time as we struggle to let go of who we once were, and move on to the next stage.
THE FIRST RITE
Last summer, my niece, Grace, unwittingly highlighted her first rite of passage perfectly for me. She was to begin school in September, & whilst she was excited I could tell she was nervous & anxious of what this change would bring. One morning whilst chatting, her younger sister, Evie, walked in. I greeted her with delight and a tone appropriate to her tender age of two. Grace's bottom lip suddenly protruded and she exclaimed "I want you to talk to me like that!" Whilst she clearly wanted to grow up and enjoy the privileges that came with it, part of her wanted to stay in the safety of what she knew. A few months later, and she is of course flourishing and fully grown into her new role.
School uniform can help, a useful tool to aid a child on their journey. It differentiates them from their younger siblings, encouraging the transition to the next stage of school life. A uniform can create a sense of belonging, somewhere other than the family home. However, as we grow up and become teenagers, the school uniform can come to represent something we no longer want to be asscociated with as we struggle with self-expression and individuality. And so begins another rite of passage.
1991- my school blazer ripped to pieces as an act of liberation!
GROWING PAINS
Becoming a teenager can be quite a traumatic experience. As a budding young woman, hormones are raging, our breasts grow, hairs sprout & suddenly we are faced with the inconvenience and pain of a monthly period. Not to mention boys! It can also be a time of experimentation & rebellion. Trying out new things and wanting to be different from our elders. What better way to do this than with our appearance.
My teenage years were littered with fashion faux pas, from the 'Desperately Seeking Susan' look - a woolen snood worn as a skirt, black tights and neon socks, laced ankle boots, pink lace gloves & a bow in my hair; to painting my nails black as a Goth, thankfully only lasting a day; and wanting to look like the older girls with white stilettos, a white mini-skirt and cut-off t-shirt. Hairstyles included a poodle perm, the Betty Boo beehive that went disastrously wrong when I got the hairbrush stuck in my hair, and the inexplicable fan look whereby we all chose to spray our fringes within an inch of their lives into an upright position on top of our heads!
I might not have looked good, but at least I was trying.
The poodle perm in all its glory
BRIGHT YOUNG THINGS: OUR TWENTIES
As we move into our late teens, we begin to flex the muscle of independence. Learning to drive, earning our own money, perhaps going to University. By the time we hit our twenties most have left the family home & entered the exciting new phase of discovering the big wide world. We find there are not just a few ways to express ourselves, but a dazzling array of choices.
I spent my early twenties at drama school. Grunge had come and gone and Britpop was everywhere. T-shirts, combats & trainers became like a uniform. Being surrounded by artistic friends, I began to experiment with outfits, trying on new looks to see what fitted. As I moved from college into the world of employment, I became more aware of fashion but always felt I could never quite make it work. It was the time that fashion forgot; I didn't seem to know who I was let alone how I wanted to look. Strange half-student half-adult outfits emerged from my wardrobe. When I tried to dress more smartly I felt like I was wearing my mums clothes and it just didn't feel right.
The time that fashion forgot
My job became everything, and as I needed practicality, I stuck with a boyish look by day; nights out were spent at a local club that encouraged fancy dress, something which I gratefully embraced it. My life was now imitating my art.
TO BE OR NOT TO BE...
It is difficult to define when the next rite of passage occurs, as it is different for everyone. Lots of change occurs in our twenties, as some get married, have children, and others push on with their careers. Leaving our adolescence behind can be a scary prospect and some point blank refuse to take it; choosing to stay 'young' for as long as possible and avoid the responsibilities of adulthood.
I think for women who choose marriage and children there is a natural rite of passage to becoming a woman. The whole ritual of getting married and choosing a wedding dress assists the journey into married life. Pregnancy creates huge changes in our bodies, preparing us for motherhood. However, some women get 'lost' in their children and quite often find a new rite of passage when they discover the need to 'find' themselves again.
For those of us who follow the career path, becoming a woman can be a difficult transition, as the traditional route of marriage and children is not one that all choose to follow, or perhaps choose to do later in their lives.
In my coaching, it seems to be a common theme among working women in their late twenties and early thirties: a struggle to accept themselves as a woman and let go of the girl within. The idea of looking sexy can even fill some with absolute fear. This desire to change and grow up is not one that can be ignored, as we become frustrated with the way we live and look. A need to be taken more seriously at work is often the trigger. In the Eighties, women expressed this with power dressing; wearing suits with shoulder pads to compete in a male-led environment. These days women have begun to claim back their femininity, choosing to wear styles that suit them well and give them the confidence they need to declare 'I know what I'm doing and I'm good at it!"
My rite of passage came quite late. I spent my early thirties struggling with my career, knowing I wasn't happy, but not sure how to change it. I began a daunting journey of self-reflection and acceptance. It was a great time of experimenting with my clothes as I explored the different corners of my mind.
With a move away from costume, I left behind the fancy dress outfits, and sidestepped into the vintage scene. For a number of years, the safety of the Fifties suited my lifestyle. I began curling my hair, rouging my lips & wearing the delightfully feminine fashions of that time. I was enjoying celebrating my womanly hourglass curves. It was the beginning of my rite of passage into womanhood. But soon Change came knocking at my door, and it was time to move on from the bubble I was living in. Suddenly I felt like I was wearing a mask and a costume that no longer suited me.
FACING FORTY
Now in my late thirties, I am embracing the fact that 40 is not so far away. I suddenly understand the fashion choices of Patricia Field in the "Sex & the City" film. I once felt rather disgruntled that they were all now wearing designer labels rather than the vintage shop chic of the TV series. Actually, if SJP had continued to wear outfits like the infamous tutu on the side of the bus, the term 'mutton' might have sprung to mind. They are all in their forties, so it is only fitting that their clothes reflect this.
Whilst I still love vintage and looking as feminine as I possibly can, I am developing a love of new designers, better quality, and no doubt a more expensive price tag! My rite of passage is complete. I feel more like me than I have ever done so in my life, and I want my clothes to reflect that.
FIFTY AND BEYOND
Fifty is another milestone and again can a be a difficult time of adjustment. Natural changes in a woman's body often occur around this age, and accepting this new stage can be painful. Many women comment on a sudden invisibility, no longer being noticed by men. Luckily, there are new roles to consider as our children grow up and fly the nest. It can be a time of great discovery as wisdom and a better financial position gives us the ability to look after ourselves more easily. And so it goes on.
Whichever phase we are in there naturally comes some resistance. As we near the change, we realise that it is inevitable but we cling on to our past because it feels safe & familiar. Once we accept the change, life becomes so much easier,
So if you are struggling to accept your latest rite of passage, know that you are not alone. Maybe your clothes and the way you look are the key to your transition. Remember the teenager (but without the awkwardness) experimenting with different styles. Even if it is only in the safety of your own bedroom or a changing room, try something different and see how you feel. Take some risks.
And if all else fails, hire a style coach.. We're here to help!
